Since the beginning of my weight loss journey, my physician has set a goal of 130 lbs. for my obtainable weight loss goal. From the beginning, I thought this was too low and unobtainable. Even in high school I didn't weigh that little. In my twenties, I reached 155 and was a size 7 and expressed this to my surgeon when the goal was set and was told, "We will see."
I am now down to 159, a size 10/12 and feeling confident about my weight loss. However, in the back of my head there is this little voice that keeps telling me that I haven't reached goal. I am down to 28% BMI, down from 44%, which is a huge accomplishment and I know I should be so proud of myself.
I read all of the other successful bloggers about their WLS and how they made it to goal and I doubt myself and my journey. Is it possible to not meet goal and still succeed? Is it possible to be proud of yourself with just being healthy? I think somewhere along the line I have become obsessed.
Here is my concern..... I had to have my gallbladder removed over a week ago and am having complications. I am living off of saltines and water still and guess what???? It doesn't bother me. And that bothers me more! Has my need to lose become an eating disorder? Please don't get me wrong, I am working with my physician and seeking treatment. It is the mental aspect of it that concerns me.
I know that many WLS patients deal with the same issue. They get towards goal and are not sure when to stop and maintain their weight loss. I know I can tolerate to lose more; however, I wish not to look like a hollow skeleton or anorexic. Even thin, I am a woman with hips and enjoy my curves.
I have seen other WLS patients elude to this struggle and I thought it best to bring it out in the open to chat about it. When you go from food being your best friend to the enemy, it leaves a huge void in your life I am learning to live with. It is a difficult journey and everyday is a struggle.
I have family that struggle with alcohol and drug abuse issues. I try to explain that it is the same, except they can leave the alcohol and drugs behind and never have to touch it again, we must eat to live. We have to face our addiction daily.
I have begun to despise addiction in life and wish to leave it behind. However, to leave it behind, would mean to never eat again and that is not feasible to stay alive. I believe the over eating switch in my brain is changing; however, I don't want it to change so much that I prefer to leave food out entirely. How does one go from an obese person to an anorexic?
I know that I am not the only one who is or has struggled with this and would love to hear from others.......
Jello xxx
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wish Upon A Star.....
I think I am coming to terms with several things in my life lately.....my weight loss surgery and losing 90 pounds and the body changes that come with it, the wonderful new friends, old friends that have been wonderful to me and stuck by my side, my husband who is adjusting to the new me and for myself who is finding the "slim" me in a "thinner" and healthier body!
I grew up in Kansas, in the country, in a small town, very sheltered where everyone knew your business. I miss laying in the backyard in the grass, watching and wishing upon the stars. The stars shined so bright due to the fact that their was no city to compete with the lights in the night sky. You could contemplate the universe and your higher power and how you came to be on this planet and sort out everything in your life. I truly miss those days. I think it is time for a visit!
I have also found this cathartic. While shedding the weight, I have been able to build a self esteem to establish myself as a strong independent woman. I am starting my own business and have decided that the bariatric business is my passion. Experts say that your calling will come to you and I believe that now. I truly believe this business will succeed. I believe we all can succeed! If we believe in ourselves and strive to push ourselves forward, we can succeed in whatever we do.
Do you believe in yourselves? What is your dreams? Do you look at the stars and wish upon them?
I grew up in Kansas, in the country, in a small town, very sheltered where everyone knew your business. I miss laying in the backyard in the grass, watching and wishing upon the stars. The stars shined so bright due to the fact that their was no city to compete with the lights in the night sky. You could contemplate the universe and your higher power and how you came to be on this planet and sort out everything in your life. I truly miss those days. I think it is time for a visit!
I have also found this cathartic. While shedding the weight, I have been able to build a self esteem to establish myself as a strong independent woman. I am starting my own business and have decided that the bariatric business is my passion. Experts say that your calling will come to you and I believe that now. I truly believe this business will succeed. I believe we all can succeed! If we believe in ourselves and strive to push ourselves forward, we can succeed in whatever we do.
Do you believe in yourselves? What is your dreams? Do you look at the stars and wish upon them?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Are you talking to me?
A good friend of mine and I recently spent the weekend at a hotel on the beach, girls weekend away, that kind of thing..... Well, I was astounded at how things have changed between women and men in the last 10 years. Yes, I am getting old and yes I apparently am not up to date with what crawls out from under rocks on Friday nights in Florida, but I was never expecting what I saw....
Now the lovely establishment we stayed at was definitely not a four star hotel. It was clean and boasted the largest tiki bar in South Florida, that was all I needed to know. The staff was friendly and made us feel safe, which is very important.
As a recent Roux-en-Y patient with a loss of 80 pounds, I am still a little uncomfortable with my body. When you go from a size 26/24 to a 12 and the opposite sex starts to say things to you, it is embarrassing and a shock to your system, but some of what I heard was just plain rude.
I heard, "Your boobs are like pillows of joy." "I've had a vasectomy. You'll be safe with me, baby!" and the biggest shocker was the 22 year old who swam up to me in the pool, grabbed my foot and sucked my toe. Yes, I promptly got out of the pool.
I have read many posts from fellow post-ops about feeling awkward about getting attention once they begin to lose the weight and near their target. How can we feel comfortable with others affection when we aren't completely comfortable with giving ourselves affection? I feel that if I am attracted to people who talk to me as if I am a piece of meat, then I am only doing myself a disservice. In the world of online dating, texting, sexting, immediate gratification and outward bluntness, we have lost that finesse for personal connectivity.
I know it is wonderful new world where I feel attractive for the first time in a long time, but at the same time, I look in the mirror sometimes and still see a obese person. My point is that after going through all we have been through, perhaps it is best to sort out how we feel about ourselves before we let someone in our lives and have to figure out how we feel about them.......
Just food for thought...lol
Now the lovely establishment we stayed at was definitely not a four star hotel. It was clean and boasted the largest tiki bar in South Florida, that was all I needed to know. The staff was friendly and made us feel safe, which is very important.
As a recent Roux-en-Y patient with a loss of 80 pounds, I am still a little uncomfortable with my body. When you go from a size 26/24 to a 12 and the opposite sex starts to say things to you, it is embarrassing and a shock to your system, but some of what I heard was just plain rude.
I heard, "Your boobs are like pillows of joy." "I've had a vasectomy. You'll be safe with me, baby!" and the biggest shocker was the 22 year old who swam up to me in the pool, grabbed my foot and sucked my toe. Yes, I promptly got out of the pool.
I have read many posts from fellow post-ops about feeling awkward about getting attention once they begin to lose the weight and near their target. How can we feel comfortable with others affection when we aren't completely comfortable with giving ourselves affection? I feel that if I am attracted to people who talk to me as if I am a piece of meat, then I am only doing myself a disservice. In the world of online dating, texting, sexting, immediate gratification and outward bluntness, we have lost that finesse for personal connectivity.
I know it is wonderful new world where I feel attractive for the first time in a long time, but at the same time, I look in the mirror sometimes and still see a obese person. My point is that after going through all we have been through, perhaps it is best to sort out how we feel about ourselves before we let someone in our lives and have to figure out how we feel about them.......
Just food for thought...lol
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Hope isn't just a word...
A few years back, I remember hearing those words, "You have Multiple Sclerosis." I was actually relieved. I had been "ill" for many years and it took six years to finally get the proper diagnosis. I finally knew what I had and I could move on, right? Not! The first year was awful. I wallowed in my own misery.
I went to the support groups and all I saw was the wheelchairs and disability. I didn't see the wonderful people sitting in them. I constantly saw the "what if" in my life, the never knowing if my disability was going to cripple me.
My disease over the next few years was very active, it paralyzed my right side, it took my sight for brief periods of time, and ended up making me bedridden for 3 years. With MS, when you have an exacerbation (attack), they treat you with high dose (1000 mg) of IV steroids twice a day, for 7 - 10 days, to try to stop the attack. So to say I got huge, is an understatement....lol
The spasms got so severe that my hips were dislocating and I couldn't walk and I had just ordered my scooter. The pain and the burden I was putting my family under was too much for me to bare. The emotional pain of being ill had taken it's toll. With MS, it can effect you cognitively and I felt like my intelligence was slipping away, as well. Then the speech difficulties became obvious, and my children started to make fun of me, who sounded like James T Kirk from the Star...Ship...Enter...Prise!
I wanted to die. Literally! I was giving up! I kept thinking, "Is this existing?" "Is this living?" I sat down with my neurologist and had a long talk with him about my existence and how unhappy I was. My treatments were not working and we needed something more aggressive, more radical. He agreed! We devised a treatment plan that included Novantrone, a form of chemo therapy used for MS patients and botox injections along my spine to control the spasms. I finally had hope again, even though nothing else had worked.
By my second batch of chemo and my botox treatments from the neck to my tailbone, I was walking without my crutch canes. My neuro cried.... I just smiled from ear to ear! I had hope again. Real hope!
I had lost sight of hope in my loss and sorrow. But, I promise you that I don't now. I can no longer do the chemo, it has a lifetime limitation on it, but I know that I am a different person. I had the RNY to reduce the "load" so to speak on my body and to live a healthier lifestyle, so that I can stay out of a chair. I am determined! I live by my rules. I don't involve myself in stressful situations, if at all possible. But, most of all, I will never give up. I have MS, but it doesn't have me.
I realized that if I could live through all the things that have happened to me in my life, I could do anything I wanted. We are all strong women. We have done what is best for us, to lose the weight and live healthier lives. We have chosen the right paths and taken a proactive step into our futures. If we hold onto that knowledge, we can achieve our biggest accomplishments. No matter what we have come from or what disorder we have, we are a force to be reckoned with! Strong, vibrate, liberated women with hearts of gold, who know what it is like to be the underdog and push through our strife's to succeed! Please don't let anyone or anything ever take your hope away!
I went to the support groups and all I saw was the wheelchairs and disability. I didn't see the wonderful people sitting in them. I constantly saw the "what if" in my life, the never knowing if my disability was going to cripple me.
My disease over the next few years was very active, it paralyzed my right side, it took my sight for brief periods of time, and ended up making me bedridden for 3 years. With MS, when you have an exacerbation (attack), they treat you with high dose (1000 mg) of IV steroids twice a day, for 7 - 10 days, to try to stop the attack. So to say I got huge, is an understatement....lol
The spasms got so severe that my hips were dislocating and I couldn't walk and I had just ordered my scooter. The pain and the burden I was putting my family under was too much for me to bare. The emotional pain of being ill had taken it's toll. With MS, it can effect you cognitively and I felt like my intelligence was slipping away, as well. Then the speech difficulties became obvious, and my children started to make fun of me, who sounded like James T Kirk from the Star...Ship...Enter...Prise!
I wanted to die. Literally! I was giving up! I kept thinking, "Is this existing?" "Is this living?" I sat down with my neurologist and had a long talk with him about my existence and how unhappy I was. My treatments were not working and we needed something more aggressive, more radical. He agreed! We devised a treatment plan that included Novantrone, a form of chemo therapy used for MS patients and botox injections along my spine to control the spasms. I finally had hope again, even though nothing else had worked.
By my second batch of chemo and my botox treatments from the neck to my tailbone, I was walking without my crutch canes. My neuro cried.... I just smiled from ear to ear! I had hope again. Real hope!
I had lost sight of hope in my loss and sorrow. But, I promise you that I don't now. I can no longer do the chemo, it has a lifetime limitation on it, but I know that I am a different person. I had the RNY to reduce the "load" so to speak on my body and to live a healthier lifestyle, so that I can stay out of a chair. I am determined! I live by my rules. I don't involve myself in stressful situations, if at all possible. But, most of all, I will never give up. I have MS, but it doesn't have me.
I realized that if I could live through all the things that have happened to me in my life, I could do anything I wanted. We are all strong women. We have done what is best for us, to lose the weight and live healthier lives. We have chosen the right paths and taken a proactive step into our futures. If we hold onto that knowledge, we can achieve our biggest accomplishments. No matter what we have come from or what disorder we have, we are a force to be reckoned with! Strong, vibrate, liberated women with hearts of gold, who know what it is like to be the underdog and push through our strife's to succeed! Please don't let anyone or anything ever take your hope away!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Do Your Thing!
As I stand in front of the pantry, staring at the items inside, I ask myself questions that I never used to ask myself.....Are you really hungry or are you upset, bored, overwhelmed, stressed? I shut the door and walk away, empty handed. YES! I am doing it!
I am beginning to not crave as much as I once did, but those old habits run deep. I didn't eat because I was hungry, I ate to stuff. I ate to suppress. Can anyone else relate? Anxiety was my biggest enemy, I got anxious, so I shoved something in my mouth. I found eating soothing. Now I am having to find a new way of life. Eating this way is really quite passive aggressive. You upset me, I eat my way through a bag of cookies instead of telling you that you hurt me. What is up with that????
I recently read an article about the divorce rate among post-ops. Now this particular article struck a cord with me. It was about how we should compromise and give reassurance to our partners, so that they can survive our weight loss and their own insecurities. It stressed how we become "selfish" after surgery. No offense, but shut up!
This time is a time of self exploration and is difficult. I personally don't find anything "selfish" about making time for yourself. Most weight loss surgery patients that I have met have never done that for themselves previously. Some of us need to seek professional help to deal with areas that we may feel need to be addressed after the weight goes away. And to say that any of those things are "selfish" is ridiculous. Do things you have never done before and love it. Yes, try to include your partner, but if they won't do it with you....does it that mean you still need to share a blood supply with the couch? No! Get out there and love life! Find friends who will do it with you, expand your circle and network, you will be amazed at the amount of smiles it puts on your face.
I know our families are important, so is mine! My youngest is 17 and I still drag her out of that cave she calls a bedroom and make her go do things with me every once in a while....lol If you have teenagers, then you will understand! But, I need time for me. I don't find that selfish. Don't let anyone tell you or make you feel that you are being that way for needing time to do your thing.
Really? There is balance with everything, but I think as mothers, sisters and daughters, we do plenty for others. Make sure you are doing plenty for yourself.
I am beginning to not crave as much as I once did, but those old habits run deep. I didn't eat because I was hungry, I ate to stuff. I ate to suppress. Can anyone else relate? Anxiety was my biggest enemy, I got anxious, so I shoved something in my mouth. I found eating soothing. Now I am having to find a new way of life. Eating this way is really quite passive aggressive. You upset me, I eat my way through a bag of cookies instead of telling you that you hurt me. What is up with that????
I recently read an article about the divorce rate among post-ops. Now this particular article struck a cord with me. It was about how we should compromise and give reassurance to our partners, so that they can survive our weight loss and their own insecurities. It stressed how we become "selfish" after surgery. No offense, but shut up!
This time is a time of self exploration and is difficult. I personally don't find anything "selfish" about making time for yourself. Most weight loss surgery patients that I have met have never done that for themselves previously. Some of us need to seek professional help to deal with areas that we may feel need to be addressed after the weight goes away. And to say that any of those things are "selfish" is ridiculous. Do things you have never done before and love it. Yes, try to include your partner, but if they won't do it with you....does it that mean you still need to share a blood supply with the couch? No! Get out there and love life! Find friends who will do it with you, expand your circle and network, you will be amazed at the amount of smiles it puts on your face.
I know our families are important, so is mine! My youngest is 17 and I still drag her out of that cave she calls a bedroom and make her go do things with me every once in a while....lol If you have teenagers, then you will understand! But, I need time for me. I don't find that selfish. Don't let anyone tell you or make you feel that you are being that way for needing time to do your thing.
Really? There is balance with everything, but I think as mothers, sisters and daughters, we do plenty for others. Make sure you are doing plenty for yourself.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Following your dreams.....
Following my dreams is a frightening event! For the first time in my life I am taking the bull by the horns, taking a chance, believing in myself, taking a risk, going for the gusto and I am freaking scared shitless!
On the outside, I am cool, collected and confident and on the inside, I am filled with anxiety and self doubt! That fat girl is screaming at me still, "You can't do this!" But, I know I can! Working through this is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Self doubt and low self esteem filled my life when I was obese. I am having the hardest time breaking free from those ties that bind. I didn't just wake up thinner and poof, magically that issue was magically transformed. It is a daily battle for me, to believe in myself and love myself.
I know many others struggle with this issue, just like me, and I am not afraid to share my faults with others. We only get stronger by admitting our problems and making a conscience effort to change them. I feel that life is an never-ending journey in which I continue to try and grow.
So, right now....I am making a big step into an unknown future and you know what???? I am frightened! But, excited all at the same time. My life is full of surprises and what if's right now. I keep telling myself, "It is all going to be ok, trust yourself" and I know I can.
On the outside, I am cool, collected and confident and on the inside, I am filled with anxiety and self doubt! That fat girl is screaming at me still, "You can't do this!" But, I know I can! Working through this is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Self doubt and low self esteem filled my life when I was obese. I am having the hardest time breaking free from those ties that bind. I didn't just wake up thinner and poof, magically that issue was magically transformed. It is a daily battle for me, to believe in myself and love myself.
I know many others struggle with this issue, just like me, and I am not afraid to share my faults with others. We only get stronger by admitting our problems and making a conscience effort to change them. I feel that life is an never-ending journey in which I continue to try and grow.
So, right now....I am making a big step into an unknown future and you know what???? I am frightened! But, excited all at the same time. My life is full of surprises and what if's right now. I keep telling myself, "It is all going to be ok, trust yourself" and I know I can.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Stress Overload
Ever feel like you just want to runaway? Ever feel like people need to just stop leaning on you? That is me this week. After the fourth thing I have given up out of my schedule to care for someone else and their drama, I am done!
When do we as women, stop caring for the world and take care of ourselves? When do we take off the wife, mother, sister, daughter hat and just be ourselves? When do we say no? When do we put ourselves first?
I am resentful, angry, and spewing it everywhere this week and that isn't fair to those around me. And who do I have to blame, only myself. Why, because I can't say no? It is time to say no. I think that is why I am ranting this week. I have had enough and I am letting everyone know that I am no longer tolerating their drama.
Anyone want to runaway with me???? lol
Jill
When do we as women, stop caring for the world and take care of ourselves? When do we take off the wife, mother, sister, daughter hat and just be ourselves? When do we say no? When do we put ourselves first?
I am resentful, angry, and spewing it everywhere this week and that isn't fair to those around me. And who do I have to blame, only myself. Why, because I can't say no? It is time to say no. I think that is why I am ranting this week. I have had enough and I am letting everyone know that I am no longer tolerating their drama.
Anyone want to runaway with me???? lol
Jill
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