Journaling...

For those of you who read my last post, you know that I was starting to log the negative thoughts in my head and attempt to put them on paper. I challenged you all to join me. How did you do? What did you discover about yourself?

I figured out that I suffer from road rage in a major way.....lol. I scream at random strangers instead at the people in my life that really anger me. It is much easier for me tell a perfect stranger that crawls up my bumper to go "F themselves" than it is to tell a love one that they have made me angry. Wow! Note to self....need to work on that.

I discovered, as I was standing in front of a full length mirror singing the theme song to Jello, "see it jiggle, see it wiggle" while playing with my extra skin, that I am having difficulty with accepting my extra skin from the weight loss.

But, what I found out the most is that I love myself so much more than I used to. When I was a teenager, that voice in my head used to scream at me saying the most degrading and hateful things. It no longer does that. I now feel worthy of good things. I now feel worthy of happiness. I now feel worthy of love and respect. The negativity has subsided, the battle no longer rages in my head. This was an amazing realization for me.

I will be the first to admit that I didn't get serious about getting "healthy" until my thirties. After years of abuse and self neglect, I believe I finally got sick and tired of being treated like garbage. There came a point in my life where the woman inside me decided that I deserved better. That spark of self esteem lit on fire. There was a time when I was tired of the bruises on my body and my heart. I was tired of allowing myself to be the victim.

I will tell you that the hardest lesson for me is forgiving myself. Forgiving the women I was then to allow people to treat me like that, for allowing people in my life that hurt me and exposing my children to people like that. But, we are healing and we love each other.

I look at the pictures before my weight loss surgery and I realize what I had done to myself. I had built a protective shell, a "please keep away" shell. It was my "I'm not worthy" costume. That was the old me, this is me now. And I love her.

Got Negativity?

I am what most would consider a newbie in the weight loss community, being that I am still within my first year of the surgery. I have experienced more life experiences than most 80 year old's I know and I have been on a path of self discovery for quite sometime prior to the surgery.

A low self esteem can have such a crippling factor in your life. I have been working on stopping the negative thinking that happens in this brain of mine for a while. I won't lie, when you have trained yourself to talk poorly to yourself for years, it is tough to break. How many times have you said, "I hate my thighs!" or "My ass is huge."? Sometimes, my medicine makes me forget things and I am worse at beating myself up than anyone else. Really? Every woman I know does it. And your lucky if it is only in your head.... I verbalize them all the time.

So I am keeping a journal, a log so to speak. I am writing everything I think or say that is negative this week to see what patterns I see and to see if I can make a conscience effort to taper the negativity (yes, that includes yelling obscenities at old drivers in Florida) .

I want to make more than a physical change in my life. I want to experience joy and freedom from the insanity. I want boundaries and the self love that comes from this experience, this journey. I am taking time for myself. I am meditating and watching the sun come up. I am getting back to nature. I am coloring with pastels and taking time at the beach with good friends.

I am truly blessed with great friends and a loving family and I feel it is time for me to radiate that love and affection to myself and the world. If anyone would like to join me, I challenge you to create a log of your own. What patterns do you think you will find?

Random Acts of Kindness

Part of the journey of weight loss, whether that be through surgical or conventional methods, is self discovery. Now, I must admit that losing 105 pounds in 6 months is a radical change and probably has made me and others in my position take this path whether we are ready for it or not. When you shed such a large amount of weight, you find that your old self may have been "going through the motions" of life. You find new excitement in wanting to live that life.

With all the excitement and thrill of accomplishment, comes fear. Fear of the unknown. Who is this new person I see in the mirror? Who is this person who can cross her legs? Who is this person that people won't stare at when she boards an airplane because they are thinking, "Please don't have the seat next to me."? Who is this active, vital individual? What does my "new" future hold?

I believe that food was my comfort, my friend. I and many others I have spoken to, go through a stage of almost mourning. When a surgical intervention takes place to lose the weight, you are forced to be stripped of that security blanket that shielded your emotions from pain, fear, boredom and guilt. I can no longer eat to stuff those feelings of inadequacy. I am forced on a journey of self discovery.

There are many avenues you could choose to take to alleviate these emotions. You could cross over to a "transfer" addiction, which is very common, like liquor or pills. I really hate the taste of booze, so that leaves that out for me and addiction is a major problem in my family (which I have discussed), so I choose to deal with this head on.

I am finding that there is a large spiritual component to my self discovery. Now, I am not talking religion or church, but spiritual enlightenment. My higher power is helping me to heal from the inside out. We as humans can't control everything and sometimes must relinquish control. There is great healing properties in this for me.

One the largest parts of this journey in self discovery is learning to heal and forgive myself. I carry tremendous guilt and burdens from my past that weigh heavily upon my soul. Shedding those feelings can only be healthy and make me a better person. We often speak about "random acts of kindness" and how we should "pass it on"; however, do we practice this on ourselves? Do we practice random acts of kindness to oneself? Or do we constantly hold ourselves responsible for the sins of the past? Does it literally weigh us down?

I encourage anyone reading this to practice a random act of kindness on one's self everyday. Begin to care for yourself, whether that be emotionally or physically. Say a prayer, take a bath, take a walk in the woods or at the beach, read yourself an affirmation. Let yourself go for just a little while and release that guilt, boredom, anger or whatever emotion you may be feeling.

Practice a random act of kindness!

Weighty Goals

Since the beginning of my weight loss journey, my physician has set a goal of 130 lbs. for my obtainable weight loss goal. From the beginning, I thought this was too low and unobtainable. Even in high school I didn't weigh that little. In my twenties, I reached 155 and was a size 7 and expressed this to my surgeon when the goal was set and was told, "We will see."

I am now down to 159, a size 10/12 and feeling confident about my weight loss. However, in the back of my head there is this little voice that keeps telling me that I haven't reached goal. I am down to 28% BMI, down from 44%, which is a huge accomplishment and I know I should be so proud of myself.

I read all of the other successful bloggers about their WLS and how they made it to goal and I doubt myself and my journey. Is it possible to not meet goal and still succeed? Is it possible to be proud of yourself with just being healthy? I think somewhere along the line I have become obsessed.

Here is my concern..... I had to have my gallbladder removed over a week ago and am having complications. I am living off of saltines and water still and guess what???? It doesn't bother me. And that bothers me more! Has my need to lose become an eating disorder? Please don't get me wrong, I am working with my physician and seeking treatment. It is the mental aspect of it that concerns me.

I know that many WLS patients deal with the same issue. They get towards goal and are not sure when to stop and maintain their weight loss. I know I can tolerate to lose more; however, I wish not to look like a hollow skeleton or anorexic. Even thin, I am a woman with hips and enjoy my curves.

I have seen other WLS patients elude to this struggle and I thought it best to bring it out in the open to chat about it. When you go from food being your best friend to the enemy, it leaves a huge void in your life I am learning to live with. It is a difficult journey and everyday is a struggle.

I have family that struggle with alcohol and drug abuse issues. I try to explain that it is the same, except they can leave the alcohol and drugs behind and never have to touch it again, we must eat to live. We have to face our addiction daily.

I have begun to despise addiction in life and wish to leave it behind. However, to leave it behind, would mean to never eat again and that is not feasible to stay alive. I believe the over eating switch in my brain is changing; however, I don't want it to change so much that I prefer to leave food out entirely. How does one go from an obese person to an anorexic?

I know that I am not the only one who is or has struggled with this and would love to hear from others.......

Jello xxx

Wish Upon A Star.....

I think I am coming to terms with several things in my life lately.....my weight loss surgery and losing 90 pounds and the body changes that come with it, the wonderful new friends, old friends that have been wonderful to me and stuck by my side, my husband who is adjusting to the new me and for myself who is finding the "slim" me in a "thinner" and healthier body!

I grew up in Kansas, in the country, in a small town, very sheltered where everyone knew your business. I miss laying in the backyard in the grass, watching and wishing upon the stars. The stars shined so bright due to the fact that their was no city to compete with the lights in the night sky. You could contemplate the universe and your higher power and how you came to be on this planet and sort out everything in your life. I truly miss those days. I think it is time for a visit!

I have also found this cathartic. While shedding the weight, I have been able to build a self esteem to establish myself as a strong independent woman. I am starting my own business and have decided that the bariatric business is my passion. Experts say that your calling will come to you and I believe that now. I truly believe this business will succeed. I believe we all can succeed! If we believe in ourselves and strive to push ourselves forward, we can succeed in whatever we do.

Do you believe in yourselves? What is your dreams? Do you look at the stars and wish upon them?

Are you talking to me?

A good friend of mine and I recently spent the weekend at a hotel on the beach, girls weekend away, that kind of thing..... Well, I was astounded at how things have changed between women and men in the last 10 years. Yes, I am getting old and yes I apparently am not up to date with what crawls out from under rocks on Friday nights in Florida, but I was never expecting what I saw....

Now the lovely establishment we stayed at was definitely not a four star hotel. It was clean and boasted the largest tiki bar in South Florida, that was all I needed to know. The staff was friendly and made us feel safe, which is very important.

As a recent Roux-en-Y patient with a loss of 80 pounds, I am still a little uncomfortable with my body. When you go from a size 26/24 to a 12 and the opposite sex starts to say things to you, it is embarrassing and a shock to your system, but some of what I heard was just plain rude.

I heard, "Your boobs are like pillows of joy." "I've had a vasectomy. You'll be safe with me, baby!" and the biggest shocker was the 22 year old who swam up to me in the pool, grabbed my foot and sucked my toe. Yes, I promptly got out of the pool.

I have read many posts from fellow post-ops about feeling awkward about getting attention once they begin to lose the weight and near their target. How can we feel comfortable with others affection when we aren't completely comfortable with giving ourselves affection? I feel that if I am attracted to people who talk to me as if I am a piece of meat, then I am only doing myself a disservice. In the world of online dating, texting, sexting, immediate gratification and outward bluntness, we have lost that finesse for personal connectivity.

I know it is wonderful new world where I feel attractive for the first time in a long time, but at the same time, I look in the mirror sometimes and still see a obese person. My point is that after going through all we have been through, perhaps it is best to sort out how we feel about ourselves before we let someone in our lives and have to figure out how we feel about them.......

Just food for thought...lol

Hope isn't just a word...

A few years back, I remember hearing those words, "You have Multiple Sclerosis." I was actually relieved. I had been "ill" for many years and it took six years to finally get the proper diagnosis. I finally knew what I had and I could move on, right? Not! The first year was awful. I wallowed in my own misery.

I went to the support groups and all I saw was the wheelchairs and disability. I didn't see the wonderful people sitting in them. I constantly saw the "what if" in my life, the never knowing if my disability was going to cripple me.

My disease over the next few years was very active, it paralyzed my right side, it took my sight for brief periods of time, and ended up making me bedridden for 3 years. With MS, when you have an exacerbation (attack), they treat you with high dose (1000 mg) of IV steroids twice a day, for 7 - 10 days, to try to stop the attack. So to say I got huge, is an understatement....lol

The spasms got so severe that my hips were dislocating and I couldn't walk and I had just ordered my scooter. The pain and the burden I was putting my family under was too much for me to bare. The emotional pain of being ill had taken it's toll. With MS, it can effect you cognitively and I felt like my intelligence was slipping away, as well. Then the speech difficulties became obvious, and my children started to make fun of me, who sounded like James T Kirk from the Star...Ship...Enter...Prise!

I wanted to die. Literally! I was giving up! I kept thinking, "Is this existing?" "Is this living?" I sat down with my neurologist and had a long talk with him about my existence and how unhappy I was. My treatments were not working and we needed something more aggressive, more radical. He agreed! We devised a treatment plan that included Novantrone, a form of chemo therapy used for MS patients and botox injections along my spine to control the spasms. I finally had hope again, even though nothing else had worked.

By my second batch of chemo and my botox treatments from the neck to my tailbone, I was walking without my crutch canes. My neuro cried.... I just smiled from ear to ear! I had hope again. Real hope!

I had lost sight of hope in my loss and sorrow. But, I promise you that I don't now. I can no longer do the chemo, it has a lifetime limitation on it, but I know that I am a different person. I had the RNY to reduce the "load" so to speak on my body and to live a healthier lifestyle, so that I can stay out of a chair. I am determined! I live by my rules. I don't involve myself in stressful situations, if at all possible. But, most of all, I will never give up. I have MS, but it doesn't have me.

I realized that if I could live through all the things that have happened to me in my life, I could do anything I wanted. We are all strong women. We have done what is best for us, to lose the weight and live healthier lives. We have chosen the right paths and taken a proactive step into our futures. If we hold onto that knowledge, we can achieve our biggest accomplishments. No matter what we have come from or what disorder we have, we are a force to be reckoned with! Strong, vibrate, liberated women with hearts of gold, who know what it is like to be the underdog and push through our strife's to succeed! Please don't let anyone or anything ever take your hope away!