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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Weighty Goals

Since the beginning of my weight loss journey, my physician has set a goal of 130 lbs. for my obtainable weight loss goal. From the beginning, I thought this was too low and unobtainable. Even in high school I didn't weigh that little. In my twenties, I reached 155 and was a size 7 and expressed this to my surgeon when the goal was set and was told, "We will see."

I am now down to 159, a size 10/12 and feeling confident about my weight loss. However, in the back of my head there is this little voice that keeps telling me that I haven't reached goal. I am down to 28% BMI, down from 44%, which is a huge accomplishment and I know I should be so proud of myself.

I read all of the other successful bloggers about their WLS and how they made it to goal and I doubt myself and my journey. Is it possible to not meet goal and still succeed? Is it possible to be proud of yourself with just being healthy? I think somewhere along the line I have become obsessed.

Here is my concern..... I had to have my gallbladder removed over a week ago and am having complications. I am living off of saltines and water still and guess what???? It doesn't bother me. And that bothers me more! Has my need to lose become an eating disorder? Please don't get me wrong, I am working with my physician and seeking treatment. It is the mental aspect of it that concerns me.

I know that many WLS patients deal with the same issue. They get towards goal and are not sure when to stop and maintain their weight loss. I know I can tolerate to lose more; however, I wish not to look like a hollow skeleton or anorexic. Even thin, I am a woman with hips and enjoy my curves.

I have seen other WLS patients elude to this struggle and I thought it best to bring it out in the open to chat about it. When you go from food being your best friend to the enemy, it leaves a huge void in your life I am learning to live with. It is a difficult journey and everyday is a struggle.

I have family that struggle with alcohol and drug abuse issues. I try to explain that it is the same, except they can leave the alcohol and drugs behind and never have to touch it again, we must eat to live. We have to face our addiction daily.

I have begun to despise addiction in life and wish to leave it behind. However, to leave it behind, would mean to never eat again and that is not feasible to stay alive. I believe the over eating switch in my brain is changing; however, I don't want it to change so much that I prefer to leave food out entirely. How does one go from an obese person to an anorexic?

I know that I am not the only one who is or has struggled with this and would love to hear from others.......

Jello xxx