Journaling...

For those of you who read my last post, you know that I was starting to log the negative thoughts in my head and attempt to put them on paper. I challenged you all to join me. How did you do? What did you discover about yourself?

I figured out that I suffer from road rage in a major way.....lol. I scream at random strangers instead at the people in my life that really anger me. It is much easier for me tell a perfect stranger that crawls up my bumper to go "F themselves" than it is to tell a love one that they have made me angry. Wow! Note to self....need to work on that.

I discovered, as I was standing in front of a full length mirror singing the theme song to Jello, "see it jiggle, see it wiggle" while playing with my extra skin, that I am having difficulty with accepting my extra skin from the weight loss.

But, what I found out the most is that I love myself so much more than I used to. When I was a teenager, that voice in my head used to scream at me saying the most degrading and hateful things. It no longer does that. I now feel worthy of good things. I now feel worthy of happiness. I now feel worthy of love and respect. The negativity has subsided, the battle no longer rages in my head. This was an amazing realization for me.

I will be the first to admit that I didn't get serious about getting "healthy" until my thirties. After years of abuse and self neglect, I believe I finally got sick and tired of being treated like garbage. There came a point in my life where the woman inside me decided that I deserved better. That spark of self esteem lit on fire. There was a time when I was tired of the bruises on my body and my heart. I was tired of allowing myself to be the victim.

I will tell you that the hardest lesson for me is forgiving myself. Forgiving the women I was then to allow people to treat me like that, for allowing people in my life that hurt me and exposing my children to people like that. But, we are healing and we love each other.

I look at the pictures before my weight loss surgery and I realize what I had done to myself. I had built a protective shell, a "please keep away" shell. It was my "I'm not worthy" costume. That was the old me, this is me now. And I love her.

Got Negativity?

I am what most would consider a newbie in the weight loss community, being that I am still within my first year of the surgery. I have experienced more life experiences than most 80 year old's I know and I have been on a path of self discovery for quite sometime prior to the surgery.

A low self esteem can have such a crippling factor in your life. I have been working on stopping the negative thinking that happens in this brain of mine for a while. I won't lie, when you have trained yourself to talk poorly to yourself for years, it is tough to break. How many times have you said, "I hate my thighs!" or "My ass is huge."? Sometimes, my medicine makes me forget things and I am worse at beating myself up than anyone else. Really? Every woman I know does it. And your lucky if it is only in your head.... I verbalize them all the time.

So I am keeping a journal, a log so to speak. I am writing everything I think or say that is negative this week to see what patterns I see and to see if I can make a conscience effort to taper the negativity (yes, that includes yelling obscenities at old drivers in Florida) .

I want to make more than a physical change in my life. I want to experience joy and freedom from the insanity. I want boundaries and the self love that comes from this experience, this journey. I am taking time for myself. I am meditating and watching the sun come up. I am getting back to nature. I am coloring with pastels and taking time at the beach with good friends.

I am truly blessed with great friends and a loving family and I feel it is time for me to radiate that love and affection to myself and the world. If anyone would like to join me, I challenge you to create a log of your own. What patterns do you think you will find?

Random Acts of Kindness

Part of the journey of weight loss, whether that be through surgical or conventional methods, is self discovery. Now, I must admit that losing 105 pounds in 6 months is a radical change and probably has made me and others in my position take this path whether we are ready for it or not. When you shed such a large amount of weight, you find that your old self may have been "going through the motions" of life. You find new excitement in wanting to live that life.

With all the excitement and thrill of accomplishment, comes fear. Fear of the unknown. Who is this new person I see in the mirror? Who is this person who can cross her legs? Who is this person that people won't stare at when she boards an airplane because they are thinking, "Please don't have the seat next to me."? Who is this active, vital individual? What does my "new" future hold?

I believe that food was my comfort, my friend. I and many others I have spoken to, go through a stage of almost mourning. When a surgical intervention takes place to lose the weight, you are forced to be stripped of that security blanket that shielded your emotions from pain, fear, boredom and guilt. I can no longer eat to stuff those feelings of inadequacy. I am forced on a journey of self discovery.

There are many avenues you could choose to take to alleviate these emotions. You could cross over to a "transfer" addiction, which is very common, like liquor or pills. I really hate the taste of booze, so that leaves that out for me and addiction is a major problem in my family (which I have discussed), so I choose to deal with this head on.

I am finding that there is a large spiritual component to my self discovery. Now, I am not talking religion or church, but spiritual enlightenment. My higher power is helping me to heal from the inside out. We as humans can't control everything and sometimes must relinquish control. There is great healing properties in this for me.

One the largest parts of this journey in self discovery is learning to heal and forgive myself. I carry tremendous guilt and burdens from my past that weigh heavily upon my soul. Shedding those feelings can only be healthy and make me a better person. We often speak about "random acts of kindness" and how we should "pass it on"; however, do we practice this on ourselves? Do we practice random acts of kindness to oneself? Or do we constantly hold ourselves responsible for the sins of the past? Does it literally weigh us down?

I encourage anyone reading this to practice a random act of kindness on one's self everyday. Begin to care for yourself, whether that be emotionally or physically. Say a prayer, take a bath, take a walk in the woods or at the beach, read yourself an affirmation. Let yourself go for just a little while and release that guilt, boredom, anger or whatever emotion you may be feeling.

Practice a random act of kindness!