My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 7. When I married my husband, I was probably 220 and loathed everything about my body at the time. So, when the intimate relations stopped, I blamed myself. I thought that is was the weight that repulsed him. By the time I had my bypass (RNY) I weighed 260 and was compulsively eating to stuff my feelings of loneliness, rejection, guilt and shame.
I digressed slightly, but what I am trying to say is that I have nearly died 4 times in the last ninety days and I am taking inventory. I am co-dependent as hell! I love to rescue people! And I set myself up on occasion to be hurt, but I would rather live life being hurt than not living at all. So, if my husband doesn't find me attractive or is looking for an escape route, he is free to walk away and I will survive!
Getting thin didn't help, so now I am getting healthy emotionally to see where that takes our marriage. I have been in therapy for years. But, one thing I have learned is that I can't control this. OMG do I want to! But, I can't and it is up to me to let go and let my higher power decide where this goes and it is time for my husband to do his work with his therapist. If we are to survive this transformation, he has to transform with me. If he chooses not to, that is his choice and his decision. And for the first time in my adult life I won't feel like a failure, I refuse to let myself believe that.
I long for a lover, don't get me wrong. But, unfortunately I know a lot of women, who have gone through WLS and feel the same. The intimacy of a touch feeds the human soul. And the pain of not receiving that from your spouse can reek havic on one's self esteem. When our self esteem is compromised, what do most of us do? Well, for me I eat, or at least I used to. Now I talk it out with my therapist or I blog, quite frankly. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and I do backslide. But, please show me a person who doesn't.
The individuals in this group are special people and most of us are people pleasers. I am taking stock of my self worth and owning it for the first time in my life, without a cookie trail behind me!