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Friday, October 5, 2012

Marriage Survival

I want to revisit a topic I discussed in March of last year.  It seems to be a common issue on the boards lately and I, myself are still having issues.  Understanding that our divorce rate is much higher than the national average, I have decided to share a little more about myself and let my members into my sacred space, so to speak.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 7.  When I married my husband, I was probably 220 and loathed everything about my body at the time.  So, when the intimate relations stopped, I blamed myself.  I thought that is was the weight that repulsed him.  By the time I had my bypass (RNY) I weighed 260 and was compulsively eating to stuff my feelings of loneliness, rejection, guilt and shame.
 During the transformation, which it truly is, I lost the weight and found myself.  I hope this doesn't sound conceited, but I found a beautiful woman that cared about people and the world around her.  I had cocooned myself and had become a recluse to some degree.  I had used my disability ( those of you that don't know I have MS, it doesn't have me) as an excuse to wallow in my own self pity and self destruction.  I ate to feel better, it was my aphrodisiac and I used my MS as an excuse not to exercise.  Until I reached 260 on a 5'4" petite frame.  I used to say I was big boned, and then I lost the weight and found this tiny little woman living in all that fat and anger, boredom, anxiety, fear and pain.  I have endured multiple traumas and I am a survivor.  I have been in countless relationships that were self destructive and painful, some even brutal.  I survived breast cancer.   And I am alive!  I am alive to love, to be loved and if my relationship can not grow with me, than that is my choice what to do with it.  There are no easy answers.

I digressed slightly, but what I am trying to say is that I have nearly died 4 times in the last ninety days and I am taking inventory.  I am co-dependent as hell!  I love to rescue people!  And I set myself up on occasion to be hurt, but I would rather live life being hurt than not living at all.  So, if my husband doesn't find me attractive or is looking for an escape route, he is free to walk away and I will survive!

Getting thin didn't help, so now I am getting healthy emotionally to see where that takes our marriage.  I have been in therapy for years.  But, one thing I have learned is that I can't control this. OMG do I want to!  But, I can't and it is up to me to let go and let my higher power decide where this goes and it is time for my husband to do his work with his therapist. If we are to survive this transformation, he has to transform with me.  If he chooses not to, that is his choice and his decision. And for the first time in my adult life I won't feel like a failure, I refuse to let myself believe that.

I long for a lover, don't get me wrong.  But, unfortunately I know a lot of women, who have gone through WLS and feel the same. The intimacy of a touch feeds the human soul.  And the pain of not receiving that from your spouse can reek havic on one's self esteem.  When our self esteem is compromised, what do most of us do?  Well, for me I eat, or at least I used to.  Now I talk it out with my therapist or I blog, quite frankly. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and I do backslide.  But, please show me a person who doesn't.

For the longest time after the surgery, since I couldn't control my marriage, I tried to control my grown children.  Which those relationships where just as dysfunctional. I have even cut the umbilical cord there for the most part.  Is my life in upheaval? Hell yes!  This woman that everyone stomped on is saying, "No More!"  I am not a doormat or an ATM! Unfortunately, it took getting it beat into my head to realize it, literally.

The individuals in this group are special people and most of us are people pleasers. I am taking stock of my self worth and owning it for the first time in my life, without a cookie trail behind me!

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